I still don’t know how to describe what I am feeling. What is going on in my mind. I tried journaling about it yesterday to see if I could put it into words, and I did not make any progress. The times I have tried, I have only come up with ‘self-destructive’ but I think that is too harsh a word. It describes something bad, dangerous, or harmful so it can’t be completely accurate. Can it? Another word that comes to mind is restless, but that only describes a part of how I feel, not everything. I need change. I want change. If I don’t make at least a step in that direction, I am going to go crazy.
I have been building this life I have for the last 24 years. Not alone, but at times by myself. Good and bad, we built this; my husband and I. But now that I am here, I am unhappy. It is not what I want. I love my husband, I truly do. He has asked me for a while now if I am ‘in love’ with him. They can be very different things after all. I realized recently that yes, I am still ‘in love’ with him. I believe I always will be. He has been my friend, my lover, my co-parent, my teacher, my pupil, my undoing and my restorer. He is literally part of me. I have been married to him for more than half of my life. For the last 24 years we have been growing together… and apart. We are so very different than the people we were when we met, fell in love and married. Thank goodness! We were both a mess and I think that is why we gravitated to each other. Each of us, without the other, could not have learned the lessons we needed in order to become who we are now.
Who we are now… Who I am now… Who am I now? I think this is where I find myself stuck; in this whirlwind of emotion. I feel like I am living someone else’s life. When my son still lived at home, I was Mom, and that gave me purpose and I never questioned who I was or the life I was living. But I always knew that I had a gypsy spirit and that when he left the nest I would live a very different life. That time is now. Where do I go? What do I do? I don’t know. What I do know is that doing nothing and staying where I am is killing me, slowly. This is where my conundrum lies. In order to re-discover who I am, and live the life I want to live, what do I have to leave behind? What am I giving up? What does it mean, and what does it look like? Am I ready? Will it hurt?